Hilarious 2011 Predictions for Events

Hilarious 2011 Predictions for Events

Though a wise Jedi master once said “Always in motion, the future is,” even we can accurately predict that 2011 is going to leave us clutching our sides.

For this task of clairvoyance, I sat in front of my crystal ball to divine the highlights of the future that will headline The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.

When all I got was a warped view of the tabletop on the other side of the ball, I opted to toss it in my recycling bin and just consult the gut I am liable to bust as the year flies past. These hilarious 2011 events predictions include...

1. Greece, still fraught with debt, will sell its services to Italy before 2012. Resorting to each country’s respective customs of indentured servitude as an honorable way of paying off debts, Greece can be expected to educate Italy’s children, Sicily and Sardinia; tend to its livestock, scrub its floors, and be carefully watched for signs of drapetomania.
2. LeBron James will lose The Game. The man is a sharp, focused, player, but even his chances of success are a statistical impossibility. One can only assume he will announce it at the end of his first time in a Miami Heat jersey.
3. President Obama will announce his plan to create special summer programs for students to help them focus and pay attention in class. Glenn Beck will waste little time accusing Obama of building concentration camps.
4. In the wake of the Deepwater Horizon disaster, BP will redouble the efforts of its Beyond Petroleum campaign to search for renewable sources of energy. Operations in the Gulf of Mexico will commence immediately to drill for sunlight, wind, and ethanol.
5. In an effort to stop Sharia laws from creeping into American culture, lawmakers will ban the teaching of Algebra and Arabic numerals in public schools. The United States will switch to Roman numerals instead, since it’s common knowledge that Rome was a society known for tolerance and equal rights.
6. Apple will announce the latest high-tech gadget, the iBall, which projects all of your favorite internet and phone services directly onto your retina.
7. In film news, Breaking Dawn, the final installment of the Twilight saga, will take on a new screenwriter, Vladimir Nabokov.
8. There will be growing concerns over individual privacy when airport security personnel begin uploading people’s full body scans to Facebook.
9. Somewhere, someone will use these hilarious 2011 events predictions to play the stock market. He’ll be wearing a “Will Work for Food” sign in 2012